to my surprise

Friday, March 11, 2011

to my surprise

So i first want to say thank you ahmarr, ahli, & shanae for the opportunity & the trust you have in me.

my introduction to parenthood was not planned nor celebrated. it was actually very dissapointing and almost didn't happen.

i was a track runner, debate club participant, the cool chick at school,the good girl,preparing to go into the navy's officer program, and a virgin who had only had sex once. people thought i was gay because i wasn't "giving it up", so i thought i was "safe" u can't get pregnant on your first time,right? what was scary was that my best friends mother was helping me slide in my prom gown and whispered make sure you wear a condom. shouldn't she of been saying keep your legs closed? well that is another blog. :)

"do you have a condom on i said apprehenisvely" and his response was a very planned & manipulated "if you don't trust me then touch it and see". well i wasn't about to do that, i didn't even want to be there. it was the protocall for prom night, or so i was told. if you love him and know you want to be with him forever then you will do what makes him want to stay with you.

well nine months later and after several tears, pains, fits of anger, and an multitude of body eruptions i became a member of the parternship named parenthood. i in one instant went from fear to LOVE in a way that i will never be able to comprehend; explain nor will i ever want to. it is what it is. LOVE, a blessing. more than a feeling or expectation it's a journey, struggle, rites of passage. i in my mind am the best mother in the world because i gave them the best of me, and i continually do so.

see what i thought was the worse thing in the world became my saving grace "to my surprise" i found another vein to my heart and it feeds my soul to this day. i am not one for kudos or accolades but a smile from one of them or seeing them grub down my food is reward and hence an opportunity to breath.

i tell them that i feel like they are my heart walking outside of my body. i can't explain it any better. there is an overwhelming feeling coming over me now as i write these words. for what i thought was for you is really for me. it's a way for my feelings to come up to current time. no one has ever asked me to do something like this and i am honoured. i know that the words that i am typing are an up to date message but will one day be a time capsule reading. i am now imagining the first day they took a step, smiled at me, sang to me or got their first boo boo. i am a nurturer and some may say too much. i tell you one thing for certain and two things for sure they know where they can come WHENEVER needed & that is to the MATRIARCH. GOD loves me so much he gave me them. i am the root of their stength and i will never stop loving, needing, and desiring them. they are me...

just sit and imagine the magnitude of that, you walking around in a younger shell. the fingers, eyes, lips. all an extension of you. i'm in awe. i'm in LOVE and there aint nothing they or anyone can do about it. so i guess they came much

to my surprise..

until the next time
heaven